Fourth Surrogacy ~ Emily * Our Angel Baby

I want to share my story so that my 4th journey will have meaning, so that Emily will never be forgotten, so other surrogates don't make the same mistakes and so IP's understand 100% where a surrogates heart comes from.

Surrogacy is a huge part of who I am, outside of what I do as a wife and mother it completes me as a person. So when I decide to do another journey as always I put my heart into it. Little did I know when I started my 4th journey it would end up breaking me and leaving me with a emptiness that will never heal. When I matched with my IP's they had 5 frozen embryo's left, they had gone through 12 years and infertility and already had one surrogate not be able to get pregnant for them. I thought to myself that I knew I could give them a baby so I took a chance to work with them. After 3 rounds of IVF, using all 5 embryo's, a chemical pregnancy on 2/25/10 we got our first positive beta of 238 and on 3/1/10 second beta of 608. We were finally having a healthy pregnancy and I was so happy the stress of knowing you are the last chance someone has at children is a heavy burden to carry.

By 6 weeks pregnant we could see two heart beats and I was over the moon but by 8 weeks pregnant we had lost one of the babies. I thought going through a chemical pregnancy was hard but seeing a little heart beat and knowing this baby had life and then knowing it passed away inside you was almost unbearable. I was devastated and found it hard to be happy as I felt my body had failed me.

As my belly grew and the surviving baby thrived I found that happy place again and even though I was terribly sick I was happy to be pregnant but my happiness was short lived when out of the blue I was asked by my IP's to have a amino done at 15 weeks and that is when my hell began. I agreed to the test because I wanted my IP's to see how perfect their baby was and start enjoying this pregnancy and maybe even start being apart of it since as of that point they had not been to any of the transfers, OB appointments or sonograms. 2 weeks later I got the news that something was wrong but they didn't know what, my IP's asked for further testing weeks and weeks went by and the not knowing started to make me feel like a basket case of emotions. The pregnancy consumed me and the unknown was breaking me down. At 21 weeks I was out of town for work when I got the call that the precious baby who was now moving and kicking so hard we could feel it from the outside was indeed sick but again they couldn't tell us exactly what she had. I sat paralyzed in the car, crying, I couldn't move, I couldn't think and my heart was broken. I called my IP's and as much as I tried to keep it together I couldn't I cried uncontrollably as I gave my IM the news. Within a hour I was on a plane back home and the next day I met with the genetics doctor. With my IP's on speaker phone we were told that she had a 95% of having a major illness because on chromosome 16 there were 15 genes missing. I thought to myself well thats 5% chance she will be perfect but left the appointment knowing my IP's had to make a choice.

The next day I got a call from the agency that my IP's had decided to terminate the pregnancy. I became physically ill I couldn't understand why they weren't willing to fight for her life, why they wanted to give up after everything I had gone through for them and the fact that we were 5 months pregnant. She has finger and toes, I've seen her face and she loves to be awake at night this is a baby, a special person how could they take her life. I called the lawyers there was no way in hell I was letting them take her life. I was morally against this and the thought was more than I could bare. Later I got a email and a call from my IM telling me why and how they came to their choice. I could hear in her voice the hurt and pain they to were living. I realized at that moment that it wasn't my choice because she wasn't my child. I didn't have the right to make life choices for her and as hard as it was for me to understand they were doing what they thought was best for her.

Once I realized this was going to happen I was sick by the thought of the process of a D & E I couldn't imagine them breaking her into pieces and ripping her from my womb. This was a child sick or not how could I let that happen to her. I made the choice to be induced and go through full labor so she could stay as pure and precious as she was inside my womb. I needed to see her, I needed to hold her and tell her I was sorry I couldn't save her life. That I loved her so much and that she would forever have a place in my heart.

My IP's flew in, it was the first time I had seen them since we met at the agency. I asked them to be there not sure why I wanted them there but they came. My mom drove me to the appointment, my IM and I went back and at 9:30am on 6/29/10 her heart was stopped. I cried through the entire procedure, a part of me died on that table that day. From that point I went over to the hospital to be induced and I never shed a tear I was num and broken. My IP's sat quitlely in the room and my mom and best friend kept me chatting and my mind busy. At 1:00 I was given the meds to start the induction before all of the pills disolved I was having side effects, uncontrolable shaking, I got a fever and a constant cramping feeling. Then it went away and for hours we just sat there. At 6pm I was checked and hadn't made any change they gave me another round of meds and again I got all the side effects but this time the cramping & contractions never stopped. It was constant totally different than what I had felt before, I didn't know if I was in labor or not but it hurt like hell. I kept telling myself once I know I am in active labor I will get the epidural. At some point I got up to pee and when I wipped there was alittle blood not much so I knew something was happening. About 30 minutes later again I had to pee this time there was more blood. I told the nurse and she said she would check me later this was gonna be a long process. I told my mom something was happening but I laid there in pain waiting about 45mins later I felt really uncomfortable so I got up to go to the bathroom and when I stood up my water broke. My IP's quickly left the room, a nurse came in the check me and said I was 5cm dialated but she still felt the sac I reminded her this was a twin pregnancy and the other sac was still there. She left the room to get another nurse by this time I was very uncomfortable and didn't know what I was feeling. I had always had a epidural by this point in labor and I kept saying I have to go to the bathroom everything happened so fast I don't even remember all the details but I do know that within 10mins of my water breaking I was about to deliver. I remember saying where the hell did all the nurses go, my friend said it wasn't that I needed to go to the bathroom it was the pressure from the baby I was feeling. My mom grabbed the first nurse she saw and by the time they came back the nurse said no time for a epidural the baby was coming out.

With my IP's in the hallway, my mom and best friend by my side a precious angel was delivered at 22wks weighing 1lb 1oz at 9:53pm. She was wrapped in a blanket and handed to me, she was so beautiful and seemed so peaceful. I cried as I told my mom I really thought she was gonna cry and at that moment the reality of the whole situation hit me, my 4th journey was over.

The nurses were great they did everything to make this moment special. My IP's did not want to see or hold her, they even asked for her to be removed from the room so they could come in. They came in to tell me good bye, it was all to much and I think they were barely hanging on. I honestly had nothing to say, I had no emotions and then they were gone. They did not see her, they did not hold her and they did not name her, this was their daughter I just didn't understand. Days earlier my husband had said he dreamed about her and her name was Emily so when the nurse asked if she had a name I said her name is Emily it was perfect. Later they took her away and created a wonderful memory box of her, she was dressed in a little dress and wrapped in a blanket specially made for her. I said my good byes and made a promise to her that everyone would know how special she was.

I later had major complications due to not being able to deliver the placenta and it wasn't until 6am that I was finally able to pass it. I ended up having to stay in the hospital and have a blood transfusion. From Tuesday through Friday I sat in the hospital living in my own silent hell. My IM once made a comment that this would be hard for me but they would have to live with this forever. It made me angry cause although this was their choice I had to live through it and I don't think they realize that they broke me, they broke my spirit and I will never fully get back the part of me that I lost that day on that table.

I ended up in this situation because I did not address the termination process in my contract because I thought it would never happen to me or that I would be ok with their choice. I gave up the rights to my own body, I put my morals aside thinking my IP's would always do right by me as I have always done right by then. The truth is you NEVER know what choice you will make when hell is staring you in the face. IP's should never think that their choices won't effect us as deeply as it does them or that we aren't connected as much as they are because that is simply not true at least not for me. I gave everything in this journey and came out broken, I will never get past this guilt and I will forever regret my choice.

Emily's memory Tree